When our daughter was born, it was a little shocking to me that we were able to drive home from the hospital with so little fanfare. Wasn’t there a parenting license we should have received first? Or some kind of evaluation that was required before we could be entrusted with her fragile life? When our son was born 4 years later, I was surprised again at the nurses’ expectations. They thought we had the parenting thing all figured out. But really, we’d only done the new baby gig once before. We were no experts, of that my husband and I were sure.

Lots of parents may lack confidence but somehow we show up and do our best. I found this study* interesting: It identified how negative experiences as children contribute to self-criticism when we’re adults. This in turn leads to a lack of confidence and less effective parenting (specifically mothering). Bottom line: If we feel badly about ourselves, we’re less likely to be able to do a great job as parents. Confidence and a positive sense of self matter to how we cope when we’re parenting. While the study focuses on severely abused women in low-income situations, I believe it holds lessons for all parents. I’m not in any way trying to compare abusive situations to non-abusive ones, nor to take the focus from women who need the most support. However, I do think it’s valid to learn as much as we can about the challenges and conundrums of parenting that we all face, regardless of our situations.

Here’s what I take from the jumping off point of this study.

• Negative experiences can lead to a lot of self-criticism. How we are treated has an effect on how we treat ourselves. This means that kindness toward others has a deep effect, even on the self-talk that becomes internalized. How we treat others means a lot.
• Self-criticism in turn lowers confidence. When we have lower confidence, we may have less motivation to apply great parenting skills and less ability to do so.
• A support network that builds confidence and self-esteem may be just as important as education.

Parenting is not a competitive sport, despite press that can sometimes make it feel like it is. We all have tough challenges as parents sometimes. I’ve shared before that when our daughter was an infant she cried. She cried a lot. And for no apparent reason. It was hard, and I felt completely inept. When our son came along, he would just not sleep. Again, it was hard, and again, I felt completely inept. Today, our son and daughter are teenagers.

While she rarely cries and he sleeps like a rock, there are certainly plenty of other moments when I feel clueless as a parent and I’m certain that I’m messing up and making plenty of mistakes.

And don’t we all. I think being open about these is important. To support each other, to share places where we are unsure, to discuss the areas where we feel uncertain, seems like a big deal. After all, to be part of a community is to learn together and it’s impossible to learn unless we can share our failings.

Learning doesn’t occur with perfection. It occurs when we make mistakes, apologize, seek feedback and try, try again. It occurs when we participate as members of a community, connecting and supporting each others in our failings, and ultimately in our triumphs.

*Here’s a link to the study.